Winning the Lottery

Experiencing financial hardship? What if I told you there were 32 job openings that pay a starting annual salary of $325k and requires roughly 5 minutes of actual work per week? Oh and by the way, no college degree necessary! --- Holy crap, how do I sign up?!?

Answer: walk straight in to your local NFL squad's front office, find a Suit and tell him "I'm your new kicker!"

From the looks of things, and judging your predecessors' abilities, that's all you need. It's like winning the lottery! And as an added bonus, you get the best seats in the house for all your favorite team's games!

The Suit may fire a curve ball back at you: "Sorry son, we already have our resident choke artist signed for the year." Don't sweat it...just take his diet pepsi can off his desk and chug it while walking backwards towards his office door. Once you reach the doorway, place it on the floor in front of you and explain to him how you're going to showcase your skills by pooch kicking his snack into the trashcan beside his desk. All the while licking your finger and holding it in the breeze to gauge wind and trajectory. Now before you kick, you have to realize the mindset of these higher-ups: they are looking for the absolute worst so that's what you have to give them. Not kinda bad...really bad. Not "2-4 and still you're team's only down by 6" kinda bad..."0-3 and your team loses by 3" kinda bad. Not "missing a 47 yarder" kinda bad..."missing a 27 yarder" kinda bad. Pickin up what I'm puttin down?

So take my advice...screw the trashcan, aim that sucker straight at his family portrait hanging on the wall behind him and pelt it! i.e. Pretend you're Neil Rackers actually trying to make a game winning field goal and shank it left. For best results, consider kicking the can as hard as humanly possible. This will inflict as much damage as possible to the portrait, hopefully knocking it off the wall entirely, as well as potentially causing you to slip and fall...which would be an added bonus. If you can pull off both, consider this a successful interview. No doubt we will be seeing you on Sundays next season.