...was counting the amount of times Alicia said the words "NEWWWWW YOOOOORK!!!", but instead I'll just Run a Spread, a collection of facts and jokes and things that were supposed to be funny.
I'm not so sure that the Saints ever learned the phrase "Respect Your Elders", but that's just based on them making Brett Favre eat Field Turf for a couple of hours.
Can someone tell Kurt Warner that when you call a press conference to decide about retiring, that you will end up retiring. Otherwise, he would just tell the Cardinals "sure I'll take the 12 million bones!"
Dear Vince Wilfork, the Franchise Tag is when you get paid like the average of the TOP 5 at your position, and that would end up in like 15 million bucks. That's enough to feed your family. No, really, it does, I did research. Latrell Sprewell told me everything!
For your information, Eli Manning makes more money annually than Peyton Manning. What do you mean there's a problem with the salary structure in the NFL? That's ridiculous!
Which news is worse: Carson Palmer got injured on the first play of a playoff game vs the Steelers in January 06, or Carson Palmer played the whole game vs the Jets in January 10? Answer: I'm not sure, both were no shows.
Gambling note: I think this phrase should change: When you bet against Peyton Manning, you get the horns. Take it from me, don't do it again this year, you will be terrified for 4 hours and a boring concert.
Speaking of concerts, how did the Who get the Super Bowl gig this year? I bet that they were at least 20th on the list, just in front of Grand Funk Railroad. Seriously, I'll bet you right now!
I wonder if Jamarcus Russell practices throwing the ball out of bounds and out of the back of the end zone so he'll throw less interceptions. And if so, can we get that on tape?
The public enjoyed Lebron rappin so much on YouTube that I think they should have a NBA karaoke night for All Star Weekend. They already judge the dunk contest, just have Dr. J work overtime, I'm sure he's free for the weekend. Maybe Chris Andersen can sing some Eric Clapton, The Birdman is about to fly, and blow thru some COCAINE!!
If Peyton Manning wins the Super Bowl this year, then that'll be 3 out of 4 years a Manning has won the Super Bowl. Doesn't anyone else wonder if Maury Povich should find out if Archie is the father for the American Public's own knowledge?
Zach Randolph is proving once again that there is no more motivation than the Contract Year. He's puttin the 2004 version of Adrian Beltre to shame, and yes, he was on steroids too. You're just gonna have to trust me. Add him with the rest of the National League, except for Albert Pujols(no sources)
Everyone thinks Lebron is so funny, which is partially true. He would be in the Comedy Hall of Fame if he went to the NBA Finals Trophy celebration last year and said Kanye style "its all great that Kobe won and all but the 2009 Cleveland Cavaliers had one of the best seasons of all time."
Somehow the Memphis Grizzlies became the Oakland Raiders of the NFL(until this year). Think about it, Jason Williams(the Randy Moss one) was a stud in Sac-Town then went there to die, then Allen Iverson went there to retire, and it even claimed The Logo, Jerry West. Oddly enough, Patrick Ewing didn't get to make an appearance there. He might have just crumbled to bone and rubbish.
Is anyone else aware that David Garrard and Vince Young are in the Pro Bowl? They should just change the name to the Intermediate Bowl.
So the Nets beat the Clippers last night in Jersey, does anyone believe the reported attendance was over 9,000? Was the Jersey Shore cast involved?
I always thought that Glen "Big Baby" Davis was called that for his body weight and "baby" face. Then he got into an argument with a fan, and now the joke is too obvious.
While watching the Orlando Magic play the Celtics right now, the Magic have 4 white guys playing and the fifth has a white t-shirt on underneath his jersey. My how the mighy have fallen!
I think we need a corporate bar named Revis Island, where everyone gets turned away for a drink, even if you have an ID that says you're 50 years old. Then we could really say he shuts down everyone.
Does Ray Allen age? No, really, I wanna know. The shaved head always throws me off with ages, I guess that's why me and Michael Jordan do it. Yeah, that's it
I heard Favre's brother say that Favre didn't want to talk about his future in the NFL. This would be great if the season didn't take another 7 months to start.
Next up, I'm gonna tell you about Chuck. It'll be fun, I promise....until next time
Jan 28, 2010
Read this with extra napkins
I'm going to drop some knowledge on you...what's the most important attribute for a wide receiver to have? Don't answer that. I don't want Braylon Edwards to get mad at you...I'll take the abuse. The answer is: the ability to catch the football. It baffles me how scouts haven't realized that. I mean, can I be a scout please? Must be pretty easy picking your receivers based on the sweetness of their tattoos. "This guy must be for real, he's got dreads." And if he has a random syllable in front of his first name...championship! "We don't need to work him out, didn't you hear what I just said? He's got gold teeth! We can't lose!"
Similarly, isn't accuracy the most important part of a quarterback's game? Maybe we should whisper just in case Michael Vick or Jason Campbell is listening...This has to be common sense, right? The reason accuracy is overlooked (that just sounds ridiculous every time I read it) is because it's difficult to quantify. GMs and coaches pressure their scouts to track down the best talent in the country...but they need proof. Documented, quantifiable evidence that their recruits won't Ryan Leaf their organization.
In a combine setting, vertical jumps, 40 times, amount of dope smoked...all measurable statistics. Easy to look at, judge as good, bad, or marginal. On the other hand, throwing a 30 yard out route to the outside shoulder on a rope...completely different story. Scouts actually have to work to judge this one. They have to report on what they see, which becomes very subjective. And based on some of the QBs in the league, I think the scouts skipped the entire combine and asked the players to rate themselves.
"Which phrase best describes you?"
a.) Pocket passer
b.) Ham sandwich
With all that being said, let me drop some more knowledge...be careful it might spill on your lap...Jimmy Clausen will be the most productive quarterback to come out of the draft this year. What makes him so special? He can actually throw a football...what a concept! What he lacks in athletic ability, he makes up for it by being able to play the position. Think about how many teams could use a passing quarterback. With the WR position getting taller and longer every year, how dangerous would these guys be if they had a quarterback who could get them the ball? Ever heard the phrase "he just threw the ball up for grabs and let his receiver go up and get it"? I'm pretty sure this would never happen if you had an accurate passer under center. This type of play/mentality is designed to reward mediocre passers by showcasing talent at the receiver position. If you have talent on both ends of the pass, the possibilities are mind boggling. Montana-Rice, Brady-Moss, Bradshaw-Swann...
Let me ask you this, how does Clausen-Crabtree or Clausen-Houshmandzadeh sound? I'm not sayin...I'm just sayin. Bradford is sweet and all, but he takes one hit and he's done for the season? Jimmy was playing 3 vs 11 all year long, the majority of his season was spent peeling himself off the turf, and still he threw for 3700 yards and 28 touchdowns. And the Redskins want Bradford? I invite you to reread this post 3 years from now and remind yourself how right I was way back in 2010.
Similarly, isn't accuracy the most important part of a quarterback's game? Maybe we should whisper just in case Michael Vick or Jason Campbell is listening...This has to be common sense, right? The reason accuracy is overlooked (that just sounds ridiculous every time I read it) is because it's difficult to quantify. GMs and coaches pressure their scouts to track down the best talent in the country...but they need proof. Documented, quantifiable evidence that their recruits won't Ryan Leaf their organization.
In a combine setting, vertical jumps, 40 times, amount of dope smoked...all measurable statistics. Easy to look at, judge as good, bad, or marginal. On the other hand, throwing a 30 yard out route to the outside shoulder on a rope...completely different story. Scouts actually have to work to judge this one. They have to report on what they see, which becomes very subjective. And based on some of the QBs in the league, I think the scouts skipped the entire combine and asked the players to rate themselves.
"Which phrase best describes you?"
a.) Pocket passer
b.) Ham sandwich
With all that being said, let me drop some more knowledge...be careful it might spill on your lap...Jimmy Clausen will be the most productive quarterback to come out of the draft this year. What makes him so special? He can actually throw a football...what a concept! What he lacks in athletic ability, he makes up for it by being able to play the position. Think about how many teams could use a passing quarterback. With the WR position getting taller and longer every year, how dangerous would these guys be if they had a quarterback who could get them the ball? Ever heard the phrase "he just threw the ball up for grabs and let his receiver go up and get it"? I'm pretty sure this would never happen if you had an accurate passer under center. This type of play/mentality is designed to reward mediocre passers by showcasing talent at the receiver position. If you have talent on both ends of the pass, the possibilities are mind boggling. Montana-Rice, Brady-Moss, Bradshaw-Swann...
Let me ask you this, how does Clausen-Crabtree or Clausen-Houshmandzadeh sound? I'm not sayin...I'm just sayin. Bradford is sweet and all, but he takes one hit and he's done for the season? Jimmy was playing 3 vs 11 all year long, the majority of his season was spent peeling himself off the turf, and still he threw for 3700 yards and 28 touchdowns. And the Redskins want Bradford? I invite you to reread this post 3 years from now and remind yourself how right I was way back in 2010.
Jan 25, 2010
Yes I do...Wanna piss on you
Lets get into a pissing contest. Who can walk away from this postseason a winner? Obviously the super bowl winner can, but lets think more along the lines of individual pissers. First, we'll start with the already-eliminated:
Donovan McNabb: 230 yards from 19 completions with 1 TD and 1 pick? Call me crazy...but this is what you get when you put McNabb in a playoff game, right?
Mediocre performances. And lets face it, if Vick hadn't shot his wad on a 76 yard touchdown pass to Maclin this game would go down as one of the Eagles worst losses in their postseason history. Wait...it still will.
Aaron Rodgers: I don't think I've ever felt as sorry for someone who makes so much money as I do for Aaron Rodgers. Not only does he have to follow Brett Farve in Green Bay, he has to do it with little to no help...keep Driver, Jennings, and every now and then Grant, Finley. Notice I didn't mention any defensive players or offensive linesmen. Rodgers gave the most impressive performance of any losing quarterback in recent memory in the Packers loss to Arizona. 400+ yards, 4 touchdowns...unbelievable! It took a questionable no-call in overtime to propel the Cardinals into the endzone and past the Packers. Green Bay residents: Aaron Rodgers is the answer...get it through your heads!! I give him mad props yo. G? Whatever...
Ochocinco: probably one of the more valiant efforts made (and talked) of any receiver who failed to break 30 yards (in 2 games if you include week 17). It wasn't his fault he got sent to Revis Island, but when he came home his forehead was postmarked "loser."
Carson Palmer: lets move on.
Joe Flacco: Here's a guy I was rooting for. I figure someone that ugly needs to be thrown a bone somewhere along the line. And what does he give me? A whopping 34 passing yards against the Pats! Lucky for him, Ray Rice is on his team. Question: if a stranger stopped you on the street before that game and told you the Ravens would be up on the Pats 24-0 at the end of the first quarter you'd probably wash his mouth out with soap, right? Anyway, he slightly redeems himself and passes for 6X as many yards against the Colts the following week. I liked the Ravens in that game but it's hard to win when you turn the ball over 4 times. I like Joe...maybe I'm fixated with tall, lanky dudes. That would explain why Manute Bol is my hero.
Ray Rice: I will never forget listening to the call in my car...the first play from scrimmage against the Pats - "Rice breaks free up the middle and no one is going to catch him...Rice will go all the way for 83 yards are you kidding me!?" You have to respect Ray Rice for his body of work throughout the regular season, but that one run against an opponent like the Pats, on the biggest stage, might have just catapulted him into elite status. He tacked on another TD later just for S&G. Can't wait for fantasy next season...Adrian who?
Tom Brady: I love Tom Brady. He's one of, if not THE face of the NFL and has been the entire decade. He's edgy, he's got attitude, he's pretty, add in Gisele...he's got it all. Plus, he's a winner. But ever since week 1 of the '08 season, he's been a horse of a different color...a mere mortal. You remember the '07 season? Joe Flacco couldn't carry his jock strap that year. Partly because he was playing at Delaware...ok bad example, lets move on...Where's Matt Cassel?
Randy Moss: I'm not going to bite the hand that feeds me. Randy, you served me well as a fantasy WR this season, but damn...where've you been the past few weeks bro? And 48 yards in the playoffs? C'mon man!
Kurt Warner: Why does no one fixate on Warner's age like they do Farve's? He's turning 39 this year and has been playing like a 22 year old. 5 touches against Green Bay's 'not-offense'...that's pretty impressive. I love Kurt, but with his mouthpiece in I have to admit he's the second most akward looking man with a helmet on (behind Mark Sanchez, of course). He, along with the rest of his team, just got out-classed by the Saints the following week. And by out-classed I mean knocked unconscious.
Philip Rivers: I blame the Chargers loss on Nate Kaeding. Rivers threw for 300 yards and a touchdown. I mean, what else do you want from the guy? You just can't leave 9 points on the field like that. Next...
Tony Romo: At gunpoint, the one memory of Tony Romo I will take to my grave is him botching the field goal snap that would have given the Cowboys the win over the Seahawks a few years ago. But if you look at his body of work since then he really has come a long ways. Did you know he is third all time in Passer Rating?? Finally getting the monkey off his back, he gave the Cowboys their first postseason victory in 14 years a few weeks ago against the Eagles. He threw for 244 and 2...Freakin Sweet. Too bad he had to play the Vikings the following week. I'll give him an A for effort, but trying hard doesn't win football games. Well, unless that football game is against the Lions.
Roy Williams: His Tarheels have been struggling as of late.
Dirty Sanchez: If you've been reading our blog since it's inception you already know my feelings regarding Mark Sanchez...not the biggest fan. But to his credit he did find a nut in the woods on Sunday in the form of an 80 yard touchdown bomb to Edwards who caught the ball (any other receiver...that last part would have been implied). Honestly, I thought Mark managed the game well and gave his team a great chance to win. Can you really ask much more from a rookie? At a hostile Lucas Oil Field he managed 257 yards with 2 touchdowns and a pick. I'll take a few days off from badgering Sanchez...he's earned a Dilfer of respect from me.
Adrian Peterson: Impossible to call him a bust. But do you realize 'All Day' only had 3 100+ yard games this year? 4 if you count Sunday's game. Still...I'm just not a fan of AP's postseason. Against the Cowboys he had 63 yards and touched the ball more than a teenager home alone with an internet connection. The Vikes should have run all over Dallas to protect their halftime lead. It couldn't have been bad play calling...AP got the ball 26 times! He was simply rendered ineffective. And honestly, against the Saints all his yardage and all his touchdowns will forever be marred by the 3 fumbles. I definitely see some chinks in his reptilian armor.
Brett Farve: Ok, Brett Farve arguably had the best year of his career. He made it to overtime in the NFC Championship game at age 40, plus, 544 yards and 5 touchdowns this postseason makes it hard to call Farve anything but a winner. Here's some food for thought: why did he come back after the '07 season? His last pass was picked off in the NFC Championship game against the Giants. Why did he come back after the '08 season? His last pass was picked off in week 17 against the Dolphins...think about it. Those are some stale cookies to digest my friends.
Sorry for the rant...if it's any consolation I left out my segments on Sage Rosenfels and John Kitna.
And finally...Peyton/Brees. Have these guys already done what it takes to be labeled a winner? I'll let you infer my answer. I'll give you a hint: I called Peyton by his first name and Brees by his last. That just seems natural, right? I mean, Peyton has earned the right to be on a first name basis with the world...what has Brees ever done? Driven a Mardis Gras float into the ESPN studios? He failed at that, too! Come Superbowl time the pressure will be on Brees and his ungodly birthmark. Nothing short of a world championship will shed the Ain'ts moniker from him and his team. I hope I wasn't too subtle! Peyton, my hat's off to you...even your commercials are better.
Mediocre performances. And lets face it, if Vick hadn't shot his wad on a 76 yard touchdown pass to Maclin this game would go down as one of the Eagles worst losses in their postseason history. Wait...it still will.
Aaron Rodgers: I don't think I've ever felt as sorry for someone who makes so much money as I do for Aaron Rodgers. Not only does he have to follow Brett Farve in Green Bay, he has to do it with little to no help...keep Driver, Jennings, and every now and then Grant, Finley. Notice I didn't mention any defensive players or offensive linesmen. Rodgers gave the most impressive performance of any losing quarterback in recent memory in the Packers loss to Arizona. 400+ yards, 4 touchdowns...unbelievable! It took a questionable no-call in overtime to propel the Cardinals into the endzone and past the Packers. Green Bay residents: Aaron Rodgers is the answer...get it through your heads!! I give him mad props yo. G? Whatever...
Carson Palmer: lets move on.
Joe Flacco: Here's a guy I was rooting for. I figure someone that ugly needs to be thrown a bone somewhere along the line. And what does he give me? A whopping 34 passing yards against the Pats! Lucky for him, Ray Rice is on his team. Question: if a stranger stopped you on the street before that game and told you the Ravens would be up on the Pats 24-0 at the end of the first quarter you'd probably wash his mouth out with soap, right? Anyway, he slightly redeems himself and passes for 6X as many yards against the Colts the following week. I liked the Ravens in that game but it's hard to win when you turn the ball over 4 times. I like Joe...maybe I'm fixated with tall, lanky dudes. That would explain why Manute Bol is my hero.
Ray Rice: I will never forget listening to the call in my car...the first play from scrimmage against the Pats - "Rice breaks free up the middle and no one is going to catch him...Rice will go all the way for 83 yards are you kidding me!?" You have to respect Ray Rice for his body of work throughout the regular season, but that one run against an opponent like the Pats, on the biggest stage, might have just catapulted him into elite status. He tacked on another TD later just for S&G. Can't wait for fantasy next season...Adrian who?
Randy Moss: I'm not going to bite the hand that feeds me. Randy, you served me well as a fantasy WR this season, but damn...where've you been the past few weeks bro? And 48 yards in the playoffs? C'mon man!
Philip Rivers: I blame the Chargers loss on Nate Kaeding. Rivers threw for 300 yards and a touchdown. I mean, what else do you want from the guy? You just can't leave 9 points on the field like that. Next...
Roy Williams: His Tarheels have been struggling as of late.
Dirty Sanchez: If you've been reading our blog since it's inception you already know my feelings regarding Mark Sanchez...not the biggest fan. But to his credit he did find a nut in the woods on Sunday in the form of an 80 yard touchdown bomb to Edwards who caught the ball (any other receiver...that last part would have been implied). Honestly, I thought Mark managed the game well and gave his team a great chance to win. Can you really ask much more from a rookie? At a hostile Lucas Oil Field he managed 257 yards with 2 touchdowns and a pick. I'll take a few days off from badgering Sanchez...he's earned a Dilfer of respect from me.
Adrian Peterson: Impossible to call him a bust. But do you realize 'All Day' only had 3 100+ yard games this year? 4 if you count Sunday's game. Still...I'm just not a fan of AP's postseason. Against the Cowboys he had 63 yards and touched the ball more than a teenager home alone with an internet connection. The Vikes should have run all over Dallas to protect their halftime lead. It couldn't have been bad play calling...AP got the ball 26 times! He was simply rendered ineffective. And honestly, against the Saints all his yardage and all his touchdowns will forever be marred by the 3 fumbles. I definitely see some chinks in his reptilian armor.
Sorry for the rant...if it's any consolation I left out my segments on Sage Rosenfels and John Kitna.
And finally...Peyton/Brees. Have these guys already done what it takes to be labeled a winner? I'll let you infer my answer. I'll give you a hint: I called Peyton by his first name and Brees by his last. That just seems natural, right? I mean, Peyton has earned the right to be on a first name basis with the world...what has Brees ever done? Driven a Mardis Gras float into the ESPN studios? He failed at that, too! Come Superbowl time the pressure will be on Brees and his ungodly birthmark. Nothing short of a world championship will shed the Ain'ts moniker from him and his team. I hope I wasn't too subtle! Peyton, my hat's off to you...even your commercials are better.
Winning the Lottery
Experiencing financial hardship? What if I told you there were 32 job openings that pay a starting annual salary of $325k and requires roughly 5 minutes of actual work per week? Oh and by the way, no college degree necessary! --- Holy crap, how do I sign up?!?
Answer: walk straight in to your local NFL squad's front office, find a Suit and tell him "I'm your new kicker!"
From the looks of things, and judging your predecessors' abilities, that's all you need. It's like winning the lottery! And as an added bonus, you get the best seats in the house for all your favorite team's games!
The Suit may fire a curve ball back at you: "Sorry son, we already have our resident choke artist signed for the year." Don't sweat it...just take his diet pepsi can off his desk and chug it while walking backwards towards his office door. Once you reach the doorway, place it on the floor in front of you and explain to him how you're going to showcase your skills by pooch kicking his snack into the trashcan beside his desk. All the while licking your finger and holding it in the breeze to gauge wind and trajectory. Now before you kick, you have to realize the mindset of these higher-ups: they are looking for the absolute worst so that's what you have to give them. Not kinda bad...really bad. Not "2-4 and still you're team's only down by 6" kinda bad..."0-3 and your team loses by 3" kinda bad. Not "missing a 47 yarder" kinda bad..."missing a 27 yarder" kinda bad. Pickin up what I'm puttin down?
So take my advice...screw the trashcan, aim that sucker straight at his family portrait hanging on the wall behind him and pelt it! i.e. Pretend you're Neil Rackers actually trying to make a game winning field goal and shank it left. For best results, consider kicking the can as hard as humanly possible. This will inflict as much damage as possible to the portrait, hopefully knocking it off the wall entirely, as well as potentially causing you to slip and fall...which would be an added bonus. If you can pull off both, consider this a successful interview. No doubt we will be seeing you on Sundays next season.
Answer: walk straight in to your local NFL squad's front office, find a Suit and tell him "I'm your new kicker!"
From the looks of things, and judging your predecessors' abilities, that's all you need. It's like winning the lottery! And as an added bonus, you get the best seats in the house for all your favorite team's games!
The Suit may fire a curve ball back at you: "Sorry son, we already have our resident choke artist signed for the year." Don't sweat it...just take his diet pepsi can off his desk and chug it while walking backwards towards his office door. Once you reach the doorway, place it on the floor in front of you and explain to him how you're going to showcase your skills by pooch kicking his snack into the trashcan beside his desk. All the while licking your finger and holding it in the breeze to gauge wind and trajectory. Now before you kick, you have to realize the mindset of these higher-ups: they are looking for the absolute worst so that's what you have to give them. Not kinda bad...really bad. Not "2-4 and still you're team's only down by 6" kinda bad..."0-3 and your team loses by 3" kinda bad. Not "missing a 47 yarder" kinda bad..."missing a 27 yarder" kinda bad. Pickin up what I'm puttin down?
So take my advice...screw the trashcan, aim that sucker straight at his family portrait hanging on the wall behind him and pelt it! i.e. Pretend you're Neil Rackers actually trying to make a game winning field goal and shank it left. For best results, consider kicking the can as hard as humanly possible. This will inflict as much damage as possible to the portrait, hopefully knocking it off the wall entirely, as well as potentially causing you to slip and fall...which would be an added bonus. If you can pull off both, consider this a successful interview. No doubt we will be seeing you on Sundays next season.
Jan 23, 2010
The Replay Rules in the NFL? Pump it or dump it.
The Scene: Lucas Oil Field, 2:08 left in the game
The Game: New England Patriots at Indianapolis Colts
The Situation: Fourth and two, Patriots ball, first down ends the game.
The Game: New England Patriots at Indianapolis Colts
The Situation: Fourth and two, Patriots ball, first down ends the game.
This game has been beaten to the ground with the controversy of Bill Belichick going for it on 4th down, I get it, it wasn't a smart move unless you listen to guys who launch rockets or whatever. Thrashing the Patriots coach was an easy copout for the media and the NFL to pick on. One thing overshadowed here is the ridiculous Challenge Rule the NFL has in place. You heard that correctly, the unbelievably ignorant challenge rules. Lets review this particular play, Tom Brady throws a quick out to Kevin Faulk in what seems to be an easy first down, a yard over the marker, but he bobbles it and it may be a yard short. This is an easy challenge situation right? Well unfortunately, you only get two challenges a game, because apparently you're supposed to plan ahead for incompetence. If this play happens ten seconds later in the game, its
I wonder if Jim Caldwell will let me borrow his challenge flag?
I'm aware that I just did a lot of rambling to get a simple point across, but this has gone on for about a decade now. Marvin Lewis even ran out of challenges vs the Jets in a playoff game, in 
what seemed to be the Coin Toss. Let me rephrase that, the most important game of the year for him, two borderline plays, and now's he's boned for the rest of the game if a bad call is made. IT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT GAME OF THEIR SEASON, OF COURSE HE'S GONNA MAKE SURE THE CALL IS RIGHT!!!!(sorry, this rule angers me) I have one rule for fixing this: Dump the rule or enhance the rule. Assuming we can't dump the rule, since all hell would break loose, lets tweak it. Lucky for you(humor me?), I have a few ideas:
Are we sure I can't challenge a coin toss?
- Adopt the college rules, refs challenge anything that looks remotely close(this rule is great, you know a play is about to be reviewed because the refs turn into the Three Stooges in a huddle and point at every landmark on the field, then collectively decide "Since we have no idea what just happened, we will now review the previous play. Nothing amuses me more during a college game. If you need evidence of this fantastic officiating, See Texas vs Nebraska, Big 12 Championship game when Colt McCoy goes into "jackass" mode scrambling for 9 seconds too many for no reason and one second is placed back on the clock so Texas can win in conspiracally(new word?) fashion.)
- If you get a challenge right, why lose it? Obviously you've spotted that the zebras have
no idea what's going on, so why lose the challenge. I'm thinking, unlimited challenges as long as you're right.(I'd like to compare this to a movie scene that after 2 failed takes, the director taking the third one no matter what happens. Imagine the Pulp Fiction scene where Mia Wallace gets injected with adrenaline, and Vincent misses the spot twice. Uffff.)
Can I interest anyone in an adrenaline shot?
- Are we aware that you can't challenge Roughing the Passer and Pass Interference? On top of that, are we aware that a Pass Interference call can be a 50 yard penalty? "Sure it was questionable, but you can't challenge that call, you will be deducted 50 yards for that possible bump!" On paper, this just looks ridiculous. Let's just stop this now, and call it the Devin Hester Rule. Everything can be challenged somehow or another. Done... and done.
This can't be rocket science, could it? Maybe it is and I'm not qualified to discuss the Challenge Rule, but I know it's not Fight Club and someone important in the NFL should at least be talking about entertaining some changes. Only if someone in the NFLPA were awake right now.
Jan 21, 2010
'The Dirty Sanchez'
Have you noticed the talent that's been on display at the quarterback position this post season? Brett Farve, Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, Kurt Warner - all future hall of famers, right? I mean, who can argue that? Drew Brees, Philip Rivers, Tony Romo, even Carson Palmer...solid quarterbacks. Ok, maybe not Carson...but you see my point. Not to be bias against other generations, but we are witnessing a tournament showcasing one of the most impressive groups of QBs in the history of the sport. Lets face it...last year we saw Jake Delhomme, Chad Pennington, Tavaris Jackson, and Kerry Collins play a brand of football that rivaled that of my coed rec league. Well, that is if they played on the sub .500 teams of my coed rec league. These studs went 0-4 with a combined 2 TD passes in the playoffs. Garbage...and this is coming from an admitted Dolphins fan! What a difference a year makes. At this point I think Favre could piss a touchdown. In fact, this playoff season if you bet on the over you've been golden. Unless of course you were dumb enough to bet on the mighty Chargers to cover the Jets (thanks Mr. Kaeding). But I digress...
So where the hell did Mark Sanchez come from? Are you kidding me?? This guy comes in and and throws 20 picks (2nd in NFL), 163 yards per game with a rating of 63 (28th in NFL) and somehow, not-so-quietly makes it to the AFC championship game? and possibly further?? What possible explanation is there for his immediate success? And don't give me some lame team rushing stat and please don't even think about dropping the name Darrelle Revis. I have figured it out for you...let me share:
it's the stache!
You know all about his (lack of) statistical fortitude. He's in his first year so he should be easily thrown off his game by the defense, right? But instead Dirty just goes out there and wins football games. You've heard of a players' 'intangibles'...some indescribable thing which affects his play? For Mark Sanchez, I'm convinced it's his mustache. It's almost like he draws super powers from it. Like Clark Kent puts on a cape to become Superman, Mark dons some pubes and transforms himself into Dirty Sanchez: the most akward looking man in the universe! With his newly-harnessed, albeit somewhat disturbing powers unleashed he is poised to lead his Jets team to Miami and beyond!
Talk to me all day about Peyton and his flashy 'game plans' and 'drawn-up plays'...you can toss him and the rest of the Colts O out to Revis Island as long Dirty comes dirty. Mark my word: Sanchez will throw and catch a touchdown, kick a field goal and recover an onside kick come Sunday.
Jets 40 Colts -14
How do I put the Colts on a negative score? Easy: I have them scoring 38, but it's a little known fact that a team gets deducted 1 point for every pre-pubescent hair on the opposing quarterback's face.
So where the hell did Mark Sanchez come from? Are you kidding me?? This guy comes in and and throws 20 picks (2nd in NFL), 163 yards per game with a rating of 63 (28th in NFL) and somehow, not-so-quietly makes it to the AFC championship game? and possibly further?? What possible explanation is there for his immediate success? And don't give me some lame team rushing stat and please don't even think about dropping the name Darrelle Revis. I have figured it out for you...let me share:
it's the stache!
You know all about his (lack of) statistical fortitude. He's in his first year so he should be easily thrown off his game by the defense, right? But instead Dirty just goes out there and wins football games. You've heard of a players' 'intangibles'...some indescribable thing which affects his play? For Mark Sanchez, I'm convinced it's his mustache. It's almost like he draws super powers from it. Like Clark Kent puts on a cape to become Superman, Mark dons some pubes and transforms himself into Dirty Sanchez: the most akward looking man in the universe! With his newly-harnessed, albeit somewhat disturbing powers unleashed he is poised to lead his Jets team to Miami and beyond!
Talk to me all day about Peyton and his flashy 'game plans' and 'drawn-up plays'...you can toss him and the rest of the Colts O out to Revis Island as long Dirty comes dirty. Mark my word: Sanchez will throw and catch a touchdown, kick a field goal and recover an onside kick come Sunday.
Jets 40 Colts -14
How do I put the Colts on a negative score? Easy: I have them scoring 38, but it's a little known fact that a team gets deducted 1 point for every pre-pubescent hair on the opposing quarterback's face.
follow up to my previous post
I just checked my mail and got my Sports Illustrated. Mark Sanchez is on the cover and I picked the Jets. I just heard a toilet flush and saw my money go with it. And also, kill me.
Conference Championship Game Previews
Why not take some underdogs??
In my opinion, this weekend screams out two words for gamblers: UNDER DOGS(I wasn't an English major, or college attender) You see, this is it, everything is on the line for 4 teams. This is the weekend of the highest grade of football of the season. The underdogs, who are the 3rd and 4th teams in the league(apparently), can't possibly be ignored at this point. They've earned the right to try and be in the Super Bowl. Just ask me, I've picked against the Jets for 34 straight weeks. I learn slowly but efficiently.
Minnesota at New Orleans, 6:30, FOX
For starters: At what point this season did you ever see the Vikings as an underdog in a game that mattered? Ok there was one, versus the Packers at Green Bay, which was silly in itself. Considering that the Vikings may have ended up having the best one-two punch in a long time and Adrian Peterson always scares the living daylights out of any defense in football, as well as one of the more stout defenses in the league and also got to play 11 games in a dome Their record in a dome this year? 10-1. That's hard to argue. Oddly enough, the game is being played in a dome this weekend with Brett Favre's reputation on the line. He's had a fantastic season to much of my own chagrin, but this wasn't about having a great season. He only wants a ring, anything else is a bust. The question is, under what circumstance would you think taking New Orleans minus more than a field goal could be a good idea? I don't think the Saints can run the ball like last week, which takes Reggie Bush out of the game, except for screens of course. I also don't think Drew Brees has seen this much of a pass rush this season. The closest thing would be Philly's blitz in Week 2, but I'm almost positive the Eagles D checked out once Kevin Kolb was named the starter. I'll take Minnesota gladly with 3.5-5 points they'll be getting, but I'm willing to listen to arguments. Minnesota 31, New Orleans 21
New York Jets at Indianapolis, 3:00, CBS
Lots of teams have talent, few teams made it this far and one team has Peyton Manning and one team has so much confidence that Jay-z is begging for some. Ok, bad example. The Colts lost zero games that mattered, the Jets lost 7. The Colts earned their way in and the Jets were thrown the red carpet to the playoffs. How in the world can I take the Jets?? First of all, they're getting at least a touchdown in most places. Why is this too easy to pick for me? Because the Jets have only lost 2 games by double digits in the two of the toughest venues in the NFL(at New England, at New Orleans). From what I remember, the Jets were hanging tough with Indy when their starters were in, and an argument could be made that Caldwell pulled the starters due to the physical style of the Jets. If we all remember correctly, they got knocked out of the playoffs by the few teams that were clearly more physical(03-04 at NE, 05 vs Pittsburgh, 07 vs San Diego, 08 at San Diego). All signs actually point to it happening again. The only matchup on the field that should worry anyone backing the Jets is Dallas Clark vs Helpless Jets Defender X. The Colts can't run the ball vs New York and shouldn't be able to stop the Jets run game, which keeps the Player of the Century(not Mark Sanchez) off the field. Plus if nothing else, the Secondary Brett Favre Bowl was almost destiny for the Jets. New York Jets 22, Indianapolis 17
This will be the first time out of 1.3 million times I type it, but just because your team didn't win/cover, doesn't make it a bad bet/pick. It's like Poker, you try to make the best play with the information at hand.
Jan 20, 2010
Welcome to me being bored!
This is a test of the Emergency Chuck Get Off The Sofa System. If this had been a real emergency, I probably wouldn't be watching my roommate's dog slobber on my ankle. I would probably be doing something constructive. And by constructive, I mean any physical movement. More than likely I would be playing Golden Tee because while being constructive, I try not to over-exhort myself. This allows me to utilize a fairly low number of muscles to prevent any unnecessary injury. Some call me lazy, I call it playing it safe.
This is not, however, an actual emergency so I remain sitting on my couch watching Law and Order reruns. Ok...Springer reruns. And the best/worst/slightly sad part of it? I decided to share it with the world! Seriously though, I do believe my friends and I have some unique views and opinions just waiting to be launched on you poor unfortunates. So if you're into the same things we are (sports, sports betting, proving each other wrong, the Golden Girls, etc.) tune in next time...it'll be sofaking sweet.
-Estelle Getty
This is not, however, an actual emergency so I remain sitting on my couch watching Law and Order reruns. Ok...Springer reruns. And the best/worst/slightly sad part of it? I decided to share it with the world! Seriously though, I do believe my friends and I have some unique views and opinions just waiting to be launched on you poor unfortunates. So if you're into the same things we are (sports, sports betting, proving each other wrong, the Golden Girls, etc.) tune in next time...it'll be sofaking sweet.
-Estelle Getty
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