Hey waitress, do those legs come over easy?

Today is one of my favorite days...pretty much the only day of the year you get to devise an outlandishly horrid lie about a friend, practice your play-by-play until you're confident you've maximized potential embarrassment, package it up with a little bow on top and drop your insult bomb (I-bomb for short) on said friend, preferably when he's around a group of co-workers. "Hey Bob, Ted says last night while he was having sex with your wife, she told him she was originally attracted to women. That's why she married you in the first place...your soft, delicate features. She said it would be a simple sort of transition...is there any truth to that?!?" The best part comes next when you get to absorb their reaction, laugh uncontrollably at their expense, and then proclaim to the entire group "April fools!" - the required rhetoric that makes anything you said prior to that socially acceptable. "Your son was arrested...", "I borrowed your car and accidentally paid a lady for sexual favors in the back seat." April fools makes everything copacetic. It's like a get out of beat down free card valid for one day.

The real pros can get away with the implied "April fools" punch line. Sometimes leaving your victims with no explanation merits the best responses later. Simply let them figure out for themselves that you weren't serious when you said "Guys, to show my appreciation for your hard work and diligence I'm going to pay for lunch...so order anything you want, it's on me." No April fools, no punch line, just say it and walk away. They'll get it later. Trust me, they'll be laughing on the inside.

Ah...April 1st, what a marvelous day. Spring is in the air and everyone's in a good mood. The last week of March madness is upon us, the NFL draft is right around the corner, ditto for baseball opening day, NBA teams are vying for the last remaining playoff spots...just an all-around good time of year to be a fan of sports. So sit back, relax, and enjoy my take on today's sports news: